drama

Oh why do i always have to be so stressed when it comes to end of the sem where all the excitement in my blood starting to boil. fashion week is coming and ive no idea what to wear....haiz... then another dilemma came to my already dramatic enough life as a 20 year old. some girl just got no shame at all, the face is thicker than crocodile skin, worse the thickness aint cover her ugly heart. next time if you want to insult or try to play your little princess life, try to look around, how ppl help your family raise you. do not expect people to see you as somewhat queen elizabeth just because u were engaged to some billionaire, no... millionaire.... of coz u can be proud for buying those branded whatsoever, but have u ever think how can those material enhance your 'BEAUTIES'? 

Haiz.... its true that money can make us blind, but seriously, ive never seen such cases like you.... i just cant stand that u insult ppl that had help your entire life to at least a little bit comfortable or should i say you dont even realize it cause what you care is whether u got more stretch mark than other people do... who cares really... you are not pretty after all.... ugly inside too... makes me wanna puke.... 

haiz.... i pity you... pity myself for seeing you.... its too late for a change.... its who you are.

God knows i know ... 

sorry...

What if theres always cup in the sink?

what if im not what you think i am?

what if i fall further than you? what if you dream of somebody new?

well what if i do?

im giving up on making passes

im giving up on half empty glasses and im giving up on greener grasses

im giving up on ... you

Prayer

Oh god, i got long way to go

i've not seen by the foe no more

i'm gonna throw it away crushing on a rock

so i can live my life

am i going crazy

find it hard to make it rite

i know i've been a pain lately

that i failed on every test

oh god what are we seeing here

life changed tsk 

there's no way to go

somewhere we get lost and cant be saved

what's that's gone it cant be found

i thought u keep me warm

but i was sure i was wrong

things changed

we all remember the bed time stories of our childhood

once upon a time

fairy tales, the stuff of dreams 

the problem is fairy tales don come true

its the other stories the one that comes with a dark and stormy nights and ends with the unspeakable

its the nightmare that always seems to become reality

once upon a time happily ever after

the strories we tell are the stuff of dreams

fairy tales don come true

reality is much stormy

much murkier

much scarier

reality is much more interesting than living hapily ever after

i love sitting near the lake in front of my house

new house, new place, new heaven

快 正 世

乐 法 见

的 的 的

时 快 快

候 乐 乐

不 不 容

要 易 易

忘 得 得

了 到 到

寻  ， ，

找 但 也

心 永 容

里 久 易

的 亨 失

智 用 去

慧  。 。

 。

“在那东方顶上， 升起 白白的月亮。

末嫁的少女面容， 升起在我心上。”

－第六世达赖喇吗

taken from peter cincotti's goodbye philadelphia

Just like Philadelphia

Freedom means a lot to me

In between the place I’ve been

And where I’m goin’

I can see America

Tryin’ not to show her age

Even thought the winds have changed

Keep on blowin’

And I would lay your body down and rock your tears away

But it’s much too late for now to be like yesterday

And the time is running out and we still have to say

Goodbye

Remember Philadelphia

When the world was young and warm

So in love and living for

Everything new

But I know Philadelphia

The winter wind will slowly take

Your heart and soul until it makes

Nothing of you

Flash a peace sign take a bow

Though we may not know it now

Things are never gonna be the same

Here on Seventh Avenue

I tip my old top hat to you

I hope you find somebody who

Will love you like I do

Goodbye

Goodbye

Goodbye

Goodbye Philadelphia

無

　　心與心之所有者，本性空寂也。 
　　不可見，不可聞，心如幻。 
　　但眾生偏計度，故起想而受苦樂

隨樂。 不苦。 
　　無著心。 無為心。

無無無無。

Pasrah

"Pasrah dan tidak menyalahkan siapa-siapa

pasrah akan naik turun

jika ada yang mengkhianat, bersabarlah

jika ada yang menghina, bersabarlah

jika ada yang memaki, bersabarlah

jika ada yang menjebak, bersabarlah

yang sulit dijalani tetap dijalani

yang sulit dipikul tetap dipikul

segala sesuatu akan berlalu bagaimana pun jua

pasrah terhadap kematian

pasrah kepada diri sendiri"

Yi Ri Yi Xiao Yu, Lu. S.Y. 2003, Taipei, Daden Culture Co. Ltd 

thoughts

X: you have to be rich so that people will not look down at you. i told my husband the same thing everyday. 

Me: Why do you scared people look down at you? are you ashame he is more rich or you just hate the fact that he look down on you?

X:...

X:why are you so lack of selfness? if you think you make money for your pride, are you happy with the money? of coz money talks. but, what makes the difference, after you get rich, you'll look down at him. its the same thing. i'd rather live happily not rich. 

X:...

HOliday is never relaxing for me. everyday, i went to work to do some document clippings, managing, negotiating, dealing with employees....yakz.... worse than college...lol...

everything everywhere in this small town called tarakan is pretty hectic. the stupid PON KALTIM whatever event it is keep the towns busy. i'm not gonna comment on how lame were the management for the tourism aspects in this town. this town needs a great exposure, big exposure to shine towards the nation. it might be their first time to organised this kind of event. which at the end leads to the disastrous misleading on the event. 

last few days, we deal with this stupid high tourism coalition that makes most of the athletes boilt...lol... sometimes i just don't know how they think. but, i understand that cultural imperialism is something that needs time to evolve.

so far. i think i can manage..... tsk

morning post

urghh...im so tired.... its tuesday, 17 june. i wanna go to relative's house so bad. i hate staying at hostel. the food sucks, no entertainment, the weather is so hot bleblablabla. i miss yang yi....sob sob...if you cant stand me bombard you on how pity i am then close stop seeing this post...lol....

its been 10 days since i left the camp. im very thankful that i managed to go even though i got exam last time. it enlightened me so much. ive become more focus and clean. normally everyday ill conduct smoke puja in the evening to make myself clean. thanks to it now i don even care when people badmouth about me. how does it so? i dont even know myself. my inner fire wouldnt even dare to flare...wakakaka. whatever it is, my point is, if people offended you, just imagine that he or she talking to another person. it doesnt matter, he or she will be tired if you ignore them. plus, you wont feel guilty, its not you whom talk bad aite....ahahaha.... just stay pure, im very sure the one above will guide you if you believe on them:)

fuuh.....2 more days to go and im off!!! yeay

1 more week to spread my wings! to leave to paradise, to free my soul and to be loved!

我要飞向青天

天上有我的家

不想留恋蠢间啊

烦脑都要清除 

快快要快不能慢 

大家都在等

今世不走待何时

我要跑得快

a wiseman told me, when u finalize your decision, 

stick with it even if u hate it.

 even if your boss screw you badly, even if you're being paid pathetically, 

it's not about the money, it's about the journey.

 be realistic, not idealistic

PERFECTION

is the state of free as possible from flaws

the missing piece of the puzzle that is my life

she is perfection coz she is perfect

however much i need this to be real 

its not

i know coz nothing was what it was

with every touch i felt deeper

but in the end it hurts

that much more

the for was mesmerizing

afraid that she would disappear

to sit back and wait for perfection as madness

to insanity

and i'm clearly not the insane type

Petrol Naik 78sen

Everything exp noW! teh o ice, roti canai blablabla....double price....KL IS GETTING METRO!

Cradle me I'll cradle you 

I'll win your heart with a wit woo 

pulling shapes just for your eyes 

so where do we place kisses and lines 

I'll be yours and you'll be ...?

Lay with me, I'll lay with you 

we'll do the things that lovers do 

put the stars in our eyes 

and with heart shaped bruises 

and late night kisses 

devine 

VFS scholarship entry

THIS IS CRAZY! Im Jealous!

GM Bday is coming soon! WEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I'm SO DEAD!

ive got lots of assignments needs to be done by next week plus with the upcoming buddhist camp i don't think i can make it. Urghhh! So much stress in the atmosphere, i rarely can breathe! i rarely know the word 'sleep', my daily drink is coffee.... urghh...what a life...

a friend of mine got a job in a advertising firm. she has no working experience or other advertising knowledge whatsoever. IM JEALOUS! and dissapointed at the same time with the law in malaysia! why cant we, internationals work here? why cant u just look at australia, im not gonna talk bout your stupid discrimination on the locals which seriously BULL! tsk! 

Enough whining. me got tons of assignments to do!

Mood: Panic

the semester will end soon in the next couple of weeks, been busy trying to submit all the assignments and other project. somewhat i need to manage to get it all done before 6th of june. need to go to the youth camp.

Last week, a friend told there's this girl that i knew, got a crush on me. my god! another one? seriously, tsk... i shouldn't be too nice with girls next time. it's not my fault to act friendly and try to be nice with everyone, but if all the venus ou

t there think that im spreading the wrong aura, im sorry, this needs to be stop. it's all about ethics, even though im not wrong, undirectly, I hurt the girl's feeling which is totally not my fault coz i don even kno whats happenning. it might get worse, but i don think it'll b such dramatic as those romance consumerist film which normally ended with the girl kill herself bla bla bla. seriously, why all the stupid little girls out there so immature, if people don't like you then move on man. don't get jealous with other girls and start gossiping other people. 

last weekend, met bimbos on the street. blardy hate it! so lala, so retarded, weird accent, ugly hair, big shoes, what are you? Ronald Mcdonald? I cant stand those lala or faggot or stupid retarded harazuku in sungei wang. please go to ur cl

oset and check urself before u go out! u r not some effing kids whom needs their mom all the time for god's sake!

The picture above is the screw that WAS planted inside my gum! it HURTS A LOT! at least for the first 2 weeks! Last week they decided to plug it out because they think the screw was still loose. i shouldnt agree with them at the first place. now there a big hole in my mouth...SHIT!

I heart Agyness Deyn!

Oh my lovely Agy!!! If only there's a girl like her here

P.s Don't send stuff to my Mac account... already expired!

"Jakarta, Indonesia — The capital city of Indonesia has already experienced serious flooding last year, which many believe was a direct result of the climate change affecting the world. With more than twenty million people living in its metropolitan area, Jakarta is a city that has a lot to lose if the global warming issue continues unabated." CitizenSugar, 20 cities global warming might melt off map, 2008.

Such a shame! Al Gore please safe and educate the country. First, screw the dominant coalition! 

Guy Sebastian RAWKS again!!!!!!

Guy Sebastian - Taller Stronger Better

I've met the darkness 

Been held by the night 

Lonely was there in my arms 

I've been with broken 

I've stared in her eyes 

Emptiness left me this scar 

But I heard your voice, Calling me out of the cold 

[CHORUS:]

And now I can live again 

I have been chosen to run with the wind 

I can go higher

I know I will soar 

I'm taller, I'm stronger, I'm better than before 

I've walked through fire

So I could become 

All that you said I could be 

And now my breath has a reason 

My sky has a sun 

Cos in you I've found all that I need 

Your touched revived me, It was your love that opened my eyes 

[CHORUS]

I broke through the rain 

Stood through the storm 

Now I know I'll remain 

I can do the impossible 

I can reach the unreachable 

It's my time 

I will rise 

And live... 

[Chorus]

OMG! I need to get this album! 

Im in starbuckz, was mad just now. some beggar refused my bread. they only want MONEY!

"Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried job... since the payment is pure love"

-unknown author-

Happy mommy day to the world!

Frightening Weekend

My english is so bad. i drooled at the first post and got myself a goosebumps!

Sunday mood: Panic

I'm going to present on documentary tomorrow. yet, the content is not strong enough, and the expectations from the fellow peers and lecturer is bloody high. gar....i'll just pray other course mate will do worse than me.

First post, i present you my shameless dramatic piece of crap

Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the ugliest of all? 

How old will i be when  fall?

I don't think i like who i see at all,

Where will i be when I'm twenty four?

Will i be famous in baseball?

or should i try soccer?

Mirror mirror on the wall, 

When will this be over?

Another year, another blog, another story of life. will it last? I don't know.

How to start this?

Let's flash back to three months back where everything is nothing extraordinary. The new semester started with full of hope and excitements. I still remember how my cute lecturer welcomed me back to the town saying that i'm getting more and more prosperous. first day impression? not bad? and then i saw the sun of my life again. the earth starts to grumble, if there's a sea nearby, i hope there's a tsunami to show how unstable is my heart. the sun shines through my heart, at the same time, being shy, the sun move and hang with the moon and stars. i realized, and left with silence.

a month later, as usual, with the inconsistent of class clashes, somehow i managed to find excuse to see the cute lecturer again. i don't know why, it seems fun just to talk to her. i cant really find a cool geek like me to talk too. some even thinks i'm too cold for a joke. doesn't matter. i'm not famous. 

blue tuesday, i realized another miracle happened, which mostly ended with a mood-less vain in the heart. the sun always shine when i help my uber cool lecturer to get equipments to prepare for the class. normally, i wont thirst of the sunlight but hey, this is different, it's not warm, it melts you. who cares, ill still do it anyway. 

April 2008, things gone pretty shaky, the sun thinks i'm a serious threat, the global warming that will kill the earth. cant blame the sun? i'm too obvious. the next day, started with a normal routine with friends, we hang out, share informations, and there she was, the X'crush, she came to me, asking me for a favor and i said yes, i'll help. sounds weird? trust me, it was. day by day, babysitting is seriously a routine in the house. the xcrush however, decided to go overseas to widen herself in the industry which i really really jealous about. people don't just signed with a million dollar contract every day right?

end of april 2008, i decided to propose for a more serious vision and mission in my life. under certain circumstances, there's too much complicated procedures that ive to get through and i decided it's not the time. at the time, i realized that i need to support myself in order to go what i wanted. again, always option-less when it comes to hard choices. i'll b fine. when there's a shadow, there's a light. 

March 2008, things went crazy, i went to the world war 3 against my inner will. i destroy every single enemy in my heart. went berserk and finally got a blardy job. im not happy, its just, something missing.

May 2008, i keep searching for the lost sun, hoping that it will shine me without runing this time. i need the light desperately, my legs cant support all the weights that ive been carrying in the past 2 months.im tired, i need it, the light, so badly. and yet, cant find it everywhere. a friend suggested me to find a new sun. i say, if it shines through my heart, ill take it. so far, only one sun warms my heart this year.

another shocking story is about how a mate and sister of mine decided to walk the same road as they get older. i did not believe it at the first place. thanks to the all time brats and mates who will never stop their jokes whenever i exists. it takes time for me to digest the situation. even my naked eyes told my brain it's dreamy. but, i'm happy for him and her. she, the one who always active are now more passive in a certain way. kinda miss her craziness but, people move on, we shouldn't close our door to adultness. in the other hand, the guy looks pretty normal i guess.

i seriously think i should move on too, i cant just wait for the sun to brighten me with its shallow light? at the same time all those neon bulbs stereotypes me for my honesty and words of fury. i guess the road that awaits me won't be easy, long and windy.